I wasn’t an obese child; my mum had severe post-natal depression when she had me. Luckily for her, she had a fantastic GP, and this was over 70 years ago when mental health was poorly understood.
He got her through what was a terrible time. My mum really didn’t have time for me; she said I demanded attention. The only time I had quality time with her was when she breastfed me for a year or so. Food has always been a comfort to me.
My psychotherapist thinks this is why, even as a child, it was. I wasn’t obese as a child, but I was very active. When I was 14, I got severe psoriasis, and it was all over my body and everywhere. This is when I started to put on weight. I believe I overindulged in comfort food because, in retrospect, I was likely experiencing significant depression. I went out with my friends, and I was always in the high necks, the long sleeves, and the thick tights while they were in their skimpy dresses.
I went to college and became a teacher. I got married and then became pregnant, and I really put on weight. I went to the midwife on my last visit before the baby was born, and she weighed me and said, my goodness, the doctor’s not going to be happy with this, and I thought, why tell me now?’ No one had spoken to me earlier. She said I had eaten for two! I never really lost that weight, and I have struggled for the rest of my life. I’d lose a bit, and then I’d put it back on. I’m at my heaviest now, sixteen and a half stone.
I’m uncomfortable; I’m desperate to try to lose weight for my health, but it’s just so hard. I have tried every diet.
I can’t think of one I haven’t tried. I tried a ‘lighter lifestyle’ and lost six stone, but I ended up gaining it all back. I’m unhappy; I’m always going to be heavy, but if I could just get down to fifteen stone or fourteen and a half, I’d be happy. I feel I would look reasonable. I want more energy and to be able to walk, and I can’t do that now. My daughter comes up with her dogs and asks me to go for a walk with them, but I can’t. I have no mojo to get up and do anything.
I went to Overeater’s Anonymous when we moved here, and I really enjoyed that.
I was doing quite well; I lost a stone, and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the meetings over Zoom because there are no meetings around here, but I really enjoyed the meetings and everything. My husband, who has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, thought that I was joining a weird cult or something, and he became distressed. I would speak to my sponsor every day and go off on a Zoom meeting, and he didn’t like it. You have a higher power in OA, and John didn’t like it as he isn’t religious. Now, I just think, you know, we’ve just got to make the most of what we’ve got, and if he’s getting upset by it.
It’s just not worth it.
It’s so hard; I was a home economics teacher, and I did nutrition to a high level.
I know exactly what should go in and out of my mouth. I’m glad that people are now learning that it is a disease, and it’s not all our fault. We are so judged; people don’t look at a diabetic and say she’s eating too many sweets, but we are judged every time we go.